How To: Survive a Nuclear/Biological Attack
I recently received an email, a very threatening email. These people said the nuclear war was upon me. Oh, hello there feller. I didn’t see you come in. Anyway, as I was saying, I got an email about nuclear/biological war just the other day. It outlined what would happen and how to survive. It was way too long a read for me though, almost 35 pages. I know you don’t have that kind of time to read about how to stay alive, so I thought I’d outline a few things you can do to survive should we have nuclear fallout.
1) Stop Breathing. Terrorists assume that we are going to breathe out of necessity for air, and we believe that the only way to get air into our body is to blow. I have developed a secondary method. Lucky for you I’m quite lovely, so I’ll tell you.
2) Moving along. Cover your body with 4 inches of lead. People always ask me, “Isn’t that dangerous, and heavy, and practically impossible to move in. Plus, how will I breathe?”. You know what I tell them? I say, “What are you some kind of expert on lead all of a sudden?” Then I ask them what number lead is on the periodic table, it usually shuts them up. As for breathing, refer to number one. There are three myths about the point you’ve probably all heard and believe:
- Point is heavy. Purely relative. Everything’s heavy if you carry too much of it.
- Lead is poisonous. Again, it’s relative. Water is toxic if you get too much on your system also.
- It takes 6 inches of lead to stop nuclear radiation. This one…might be right, but don’t be stupid. 6 inches would be like wearing an 800 lb gorilla on your back. 4 inches will slow it down enough for you to get away.
3) This next one is about duct tape. Don’t duct tape your house, or your basement, or your family. This won’t help. What you need is a hot air balloon. You need transportation to get above and away from the infected area. Why don’t I just buy a plane, you say? How are you going to fly a plane with a first suit on? That’s right, you aren’t going to. Anyone with even a partial high school education can fly a hot air balloon. Plus airports are busy places, so they’ll be filled with post-attack zombie folk. You can land a hot air balloon anywhere. And before you ask, for those of you not in high school yet refer to the section on “Why you don’t matter.”
4) Sometimes people say, “Well why don’t I just put the lead on my car, and drive out of the area if it happens?” To you, I say “Haven’t you ever seen the movies? When someone’s trying to get away from zombie men that are trying to eat their brain, the car never starts. On the other hand, I’ve never seen a hot air balloon escape sequence in a movie, where the hot air balloon didn’t start.”
5) This one is probably most important. Get several guns. But why, you ask? I’m getting to that, quit interrupting. There are many reasons to have guns. First, you need something to shoot down the other hot air balloons that have been taken over by zombie folk. Second, you’re going to have to land your balloon a few times in hostile territory, to refuel and such, before you’re out of the affected zone. When you do, there will most likely be zombie men trying to eat you right away. If you were thinking ahead and took one of your dogs along, you can throw it out of the balloon about 10 feet from the ground. It won’t die, dogs always land on their feet. Then, it will run away, and, the zombies will chase it. If you forgot a dog, don’t worry. Anybody you have in the balloon with you works about the same, just do a quick game of “1 2 3, not I” to determine who goes. Make sure you start the game, so you don’t get tossed. This gives you time to land the balloon, grab some food from the grocery, fill up the balloon with gas, and get going again without having to use up all your ammo killing zombies.
6) Move to Canada. Ever noticed how nobody really has any strong feelings about Canada? Ever heard of a terrorist bombing Canada? So this is your “if all else fails” plan. If the hot air balloon store is sold out, or your wife is throwing up a storm about how lead is gonna kill little johnny the Deano, or you just don’t have the money for a lead suit, you can always move to Canada. Sure, its cold and you have to wear a coat most of the year. Sure, it’s not as fun as escaping in a hot air balloon and shooting zombie men. But this guide is not about what is fun and what isn’t fun. This guide is about surviving the nuclear or biological fallout, and also how to kill zombie men with guns.